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White Noise

Archive for February, 2009

Bascic Reading Skills

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I always hear reports of how bad our public school system is across the country and poorly our students rate when compared to other countries, but I can’t imagine why. We have such amazing text books…

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Written by Kyle

February 27th, 2009 at 12:48 pm

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Your Life is Not That Bad

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TheSmokingGun – Trio Swapped Kids For Bird

Piece of Trash A with a bird is contacted by Pieces of Trash B and C who have two kids.  Pieces of Trash B and C want to swap the two kids for the one bird.  Evidently recognizing that they may not be getting the better end of this deal, Pieces of Trash B and C ask for $175 in addition to the bird.  Piece of Trash A finds this acceptable.

The two kids are 4 and 5 years old and their mother (Piece of Trash D) is a criminal fugitive and they’ve been bouncing from home to home over “several years”.  Currently, they’ve in possession of Piece of Trash B, “a convicted pedophile with a lengthy rap sheet.”

I’ve been kind of pissed that I’m 3 months overdue for my annual review and corresponding pay increase, but I think I’ll just STFU today and give my son a hug.

Written by Kyle

February 26th, 2009 at 12:56 pm

How the Republicans are Losing the Country

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I used to be a Republican.  Not only that, I used to really be a Republican.  As in, “you dirty steenkin’ pinko-commie-liberal” type Republican.  In High School, I praised the awesomeness that was Ronald Reagan and laughed heartedly at Jimmy Carter’s foolishness.  I never believed entirely in everything the party stood for, but I believed in most of it and where we saw eye-to-eye were the most important issues to me.  Small government, trickle down economics, foreign policies, strong national defense… these were the foundations of my support for the Republican party.

Today… not so much.  I voted for Barack Obama this past election and quite honestly, I’ll be proud of that decision even if he fails to deliver even most of what he’s promised.  I wouldn’t call myself a Democrat, though… I just voted for the person I felt was best for our country.  I don’t really know what I am, but I do know that I am definitely no longer a Republican.  In fact… I’m so far from it, I find myself initially predisposed against candidates, just because they are Republicans.


Here’s an example of what makes my skin crawl and long for the days when these out dated dinosaurs of hate finally die off of my planet:

GOP lawmakers cringe at colleagues’ words on sexuality

Sen. Dave Schultheis, of Colorado Springs, on Wednesday opposed a bill requiring pregnant women to be tested for HIV so that if they are infected their babies can be treated to prevent the virus’s transfer.

“This stems from sexual promiscuity for the most part, and I just can’t go there,” he said.

“We do things continually to remove the consequences of poor behavior, unacceptable behavior, quite frankly. I’m not convinced that part of the role of government should be to protect individuals from the negative consequences of their actions.”

Really??  So this boil on the butt of humanity wants an unborn baby to have AIDS. even though it could be prevented, just to teach Mom a lesson?!?!  Seriously?!?!  What sort of human being thinks like that?

* What he said afterward: “What I’m hoping is that yes, that person may have AIDS, have it seriously as a baby and when they grow up, but the mother will begin to feel guilt as a result of that. The family will see the negative consequences of that promiscuity and it may make a number of people over the coming years … begin to realize that there are negative consequences and maybe they should adjust their behavior. We can’t keep people from being raped. We can’t keep people from shooting each other. We can’t keep people from jumping off bridges. People drink and drive, and they crash and kill people. Poor behavior has its consequences.”

Weep for humanity, people.

Written by Kyle

February 26th, 2009 at 11:08 am

Electing a Mayor… Detroit Style!

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Detroit’s self proclaimed hip-hop mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick, left office on September 18th, 2008.  “Left office” as loosely defined as being led across the street in hand cuffs to his new office behind bars.  Shortly before this happened, Detroit’s deputy mayor, Anthony Adams, stepped down from his office.  “Stepped down” can similarly be defined as taking the position as director of the Detroit Water Dept. for a $90,000 a year pay increase.  Evidently, no one saw the need to actually fill Mr. Adamas’ former position, leaving the question of, “Erm… exactly who’s in charge around here?” unanswered.

So what’s a city to do?

Detroit has so little money that we’re selling bridges to Canada.  Seriously… that was our bright idea to balance the budget.  No longer able to afford Lincoln Navigators for Kwame’s entire family and employ his contingent of umpteen dozen bodyguards working 80+ hours of overtime every week, Detroit figured it’d be a great idea to just sell our bridge to those kooky Canadian neighbors of ours.  Clearly, this would solve our budget crisis for the foreseeable future.

There was little over a year until Kwame’s pervious term was up and all we needed was someone to hold down the fort until the good citizens of D-Town could elect a new thief to steal their money.  Instead, they decided to hold what amounts to 4 separate elections at approximately $3 million a pop.

First of all, the president of Detroit’s City Council, was promoted to serve as Mayor.  After all, it’s a big city and big cities need mayors.  But instead of just letting him serve out the year, for some reason Detroit needed to have a special election… in May… to elect a mayor for 5 months!  And of course, what’s a special election without a pre-special election to elect the candidates for the special election?

Yeah, let’s hold one of those.

In recent news, Detroiters care so much about the situation that about 10% of the registered voters will actually participate in this pre-special election election.

Written by Kyle

February 24th, 2009 at 11:41 am

The Ultimate Problem Solver

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Life is difficult these days, we all have our problems.  Wouldn’t it be nice if someone or some political party had an answer to each of our individual problems?  Something simple, yet tailor made to your unique circumstances?

BEHOLD! The GOP Problem Solver

Written by Kyle

February 18th, 2009 at 12:25 pm

Posted in Brilliant!

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Lost in Translation

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“What we have here… is a failure… to communicate!”

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Written by Kyle

February 17th, 2009 at 4:09 pm

Posted in White Noise

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Can You Define the Word “Blame,” Please?

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In another installment of “Things That Make you Say, ‘Duh'”, Bill Clinton denied holding any blame for the worst economic crisis to hit the country since the Great Depression.

“On Monday morning’s Today Show, Ann Curry’s interview with the former president – recorded over the weekend outside a Clinton Global Initiative event in Texas – addressed Clinton’s inclusion on TIME’s list of the “25 People to Blame” for the global economic collapse.”

“Given the sweep and severity of today’s global economic crisis, it would seem there’s plenty of blame to go around. But Bill Clinton doesn’t think any of it should fall on his shoulders.”

Yeah, I totally thought he was going to man up and apologize, too.  Man, I’m so disillusioned now.  :-/

Written by Kyle

February 17th, 2009 at 3:03 pm

Posted in Abandon All Hope

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I know this is going to come as a complete shock to all of you, but yes, it’s official… Detroit Sucks.

#1 – America’s Most And Least Popular Cities

“Of course, current economic conditions also play a role. It’s no surprise that 90% of those surveyed don’t want to live in Detroit, which ranked lowest out of 30 cities. It’s got a 9.5% unemployment rate and a murder rate 5.16 times higher than the national average.”

Does anyone find these figures surprising?  Honestly, I’m more amazed that 10% of America would actually consider living in Detroit.

#2 – America’s Emptiest Cities

“Detroit and Las Vegas are among the worst offenders by both measures–the Motor City sports vacancy rates of 19.9% for rentals and 4% for homes”

“But starting in the 1960s, Detroit began a precipitous decline. Detroit’s population is now 900,000–half what it was in the middle of the century–and many of its neighborhoods languish in varying states of decay.”

Detroit is losing population faster than the Lions lose football games… “a murder rate 5.16 times higher than the national average”… hmm…there’s a connection here, I can just feel it.

#7 – America’s Most Miserable Cities

“The Motor City benefited from our revised criteria this year (we added sales tax and sports teams in addition to corruption).”

Evidently Forbes hasn’t been watching the Lions for the last 50 years, or even the last year where they went 0 – 16… a feat previously thought about a 100 times less likely than a team going 16 – 0.  But evidently hockey is every bit as important and popular as football, right?  O.o

“Yet after more than half a century, countless scholars, politicians, community organizers developers and nonprofit workers have been unable to come up with a solution to fix Detroit.”

Oh really?  Has anyone suggested that perhaps Detroit should stop re-electing politicians who’ve been caught red-handed and shown on TV to be stealing the public’s money?  Maybe the big 3 could stop developing new cars that Toyota and Honda have had on dealer lots for the past 10 years?  Or wait… this may be a radical idea, but let me take a “stab” at it… How about Detroiters stop KILLING each other?!?!

And by the way, our house is still up for sale if anyone’s interested.

Written by Kyle

February 17th, 2009 at 12:51 pm

Posted in Ranting and Raving

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Equal Shares for All… Except You, Illinois!

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Ok, this has absolutely no effect in the grand scheme of things, since he is now ex-governor Blagojevic, but I still find section 1112 of the stimulus bill absolutely hilarious.


None of the funds provided by this Act may be made available to the State of Illinois, or any agency of the State, unless

(1) the use of such funds by the State is approved in legislation enacted by the State after the date of the enactment of this Act, or

(2) Rod R. Blagojevich no longer holds the office of Governor of the State of Illinois.

Yeah, so… THERE!  Take that Illinois, you… you…fund-waster-type-state-guy!

I wonder if section 1112 was penned by none other than Roland Burris?

Written by Kyle

February 16th, 2009 at 4:58 pm

Brains… It’s what’s for Dinner

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Road signs across the USA and even Australia have been warning us of an impending zombie invasion!  Some say it’s just hackers playing a prank, but can you be certain?  Think of the children!!!

Austin, TX Road Sign

In this photo provided by Chris Nakashima-Brown, an electronic road sign is seen in Austin, Texas on Monday, Jan. 26, 2009. Two electronic signs intended to warn motorists of construction near the intersection of Lamar and Martin Luther King boulevards were changed yesterday by hackers. (AP Photo/Chris Nakashima-Brown) ** MANDATORY CREDIT **

Now would be a good time to check and see just how you’ll fare when the zombie invasion reaches your town… Zombie Attack Survival Quiz

Written by Kyle

February 13th, 2009 at 9:45 am

Posted in Brilliant!

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