Kay -N- Kay

This picture singlehandedly captures why non-SUV drivers hate people who drive SUVs.

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If you drive an SUV, you probably think it’s because a Hummer takes up two parking spaces.  But hey, you drive an Explorer so why is that guy frowning up at you?

So Kristin and I are currently arguing about whether or not to turn on the air conditioning.  Thus far it’s only been light hearted jabs and I’ve held my mouth in check despite the sweat glistening on my brow some evenings.  Today, she called me up:

Kristin – “How hot is it supposed to be today?”

Me – “85 degrees”

Kristin – “Hmph”  Quiet pause.  “I guess that’s hot enough for the air conditioning.”

Me – I resist the urge to equate this epiphany to others things just as obvious.

Kristin – “What’s the temperature supposed to be like over the weekend.”

Me – “Hot.  Damn hot.  Mid 70s and then high 70s to low 80s.”  Then the suspician creeps in.  “Why?”

Kristin – “Cause it seems like such a waste to turn on the air for just a single night if we’re just going to turn it off for the rest of the weekend.”

Now that got me thinking… if only there were some device, some technological creation pushing the boundaries of imagination so as to seem near magical in the breadth of it’s use, that could control our heating and air conditioning.  Now I’m going to get a little crazy here with my musings, but try to stay with me…

I’m thinking this… we hook our furnace up to this device, this invention, this marvel of the 21st century.  Now I’m just thinking out loud here, but what if this thing was able to control when heat or air conditioning was needed and then… then my dear friends and readers, then this mythical icon of our era could DETECT whether or not more heat was needed OR if more air conditioning was needed, and it could turn on and off our furnace… AUTO-MAGICALLY!!!!!!!

Wow, wouldn’t that be something?  A device that would only push out air conditioning when it was needed and then turn it off so as to not waste money when it was not needed?  I mean, imagine that?!!?!?!  No more fighting with the Temperature Nazis who demand in name of the all mighty electric bill that we constantly turn off the air when it’s not needed.  This one device as I envision it would maintain the temperature of your house at a pristine range of your own choosing.

This could really be something…

All I need now is a name… some combination of Latin words, like Thermo for heat and then something that means to stabilize or make constant…

Previously, I thought the Internet was all about porn.  Without porn, the Internet clearly had no purpose.  But then all these so-called “social networking sites” started showing up.  MySpace… Facebook… and because it’s clearly far too much effort to use Facebook, evidently Twitter was born.

But I always doubted that these types of things were ever really used for anything, except porn.  I mean come on… Twitter’s slogan is “What are you doing?”  Umm… I’m on the Internet.  Duh?  Downloading porn.  I mean what else would I be doing?

But now I understand.  This man and his customized office chair, have shown me the light!

Man Builds Chair That Tweets His Farts, Single-Handedly Justifies Twitter’s Existence

Kristin and Bran are having an adventure down in Arizona this week.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t go with them, but they are having a good time so far, even despite “The Great Paul Family Ham Stand Off of ’09”.  I may be able to get Kristin to post that saga when she gets back. 

Bran had a crisis of faith this year about the Easter bunny, compounded by Kristin waffling with her “Well, what do you think?” answer when asked if there truly was an altruistic seasonal hare who harbors in spring through the ritualistic decoration of avian embryos by children and subsequently hiding their handiwork for suspiciously unknown intentions.  He was pretty sure this Easter Bunny character was real, but his child-radar was picking up that while Mommy was seemingly allaying his doubts, she would not actually outright validate the existence and proclaim all doubters as heretics to be immediately stoned and posthumously drug through the streets.  Something was possibly amiss and clearly needed to be investigated further…

On Easter morning he woke up bright and early and unbeknown to his still sleepy mother, had hatched a plan to clear up this Easter Bunny business once and for all.  The night before, they had performed the ritual of properly coloring each egg in the house according to unwritten edicts of ages past and stored the talismans within the refrigerator.  Therein lay his proof.

Moments after opening his eyes, Bran made a beeline for the fridge and mother’s intuition prompted Kristin to ask what he was doing.  “Oh, I’m just going to check on the eggs.” he replied.

Misunderstanding, Kristin said, “Hunny, we’re not doing the Easter Egg Hunt yet, remember how we talked about doing it this afternoon?”

“Oh, I know.” he replied.  “I’m just going to check the refrigerator to see if the Easter Bunny picked up our eggs.”

The truth of the situation struck Kristin like a thunderbolt from on high.  If the eggs were still there then clearly the Easter Bunny would not have been able to get the eggs prior to them being hidden in the afternoon.  The crafty runt had out foxed her!  She needed a diversion…

“Ok dear, well why don’t you go use the potty first.”  It was a stretch… but it might buy her about 30 seconds.

Off he went and Kristin sprinted to the kitchen.  With only seconds to spare, she grabbed the tray of eggs, whipped it out of the fridge and cleverly covered them with an ordinary looking kitchen towel.

No sooner had she successfully disguised the tray of eggs as a large lump of something clearly being hidden underneath a towel when Bran returned.  He opened the door to the refrigerator which was now cleared of the damning evidence and turned wide-eyed and victorious to his mother.  “He IS real, Mommy!”

Oddly enough, if anyone had ever asked me what sort of story would put my home town, Newark, Ohio, in the national news, I would have predicted exactly this story.

In this photo released Tuesday, March 31, 2009, by the Newark (Ohio) Police Department, a motorized bar stool is shown. Police in Newark, 30 miles east of Columbus, say when they responded to a report of a crash with injuries on March 4 2009, they found a man who had wrecked a bar stool powered by a deconstructed lawn mower. Police say Kile Wygle, 28 was charged with operating a vehicle while intoxicated after he told an officer at the hospital that he had consumed 15 beers. Wygle told police his motorized bar stool can go up to 38 mph. (AP Photo/Newark (Ohio) Police Department)

I’m astounded that some people have driving licenses.

Evidently, the Czech prime minister, and current holder of the EU presidency, Mr Topolanek, does not agree with Obama’s economic recovery plans.

He attacked the US’s growing budget deficit and the “Buy America” campaign, saying “all of these steps, these combinations and permanency is the way to hell”.

At first glance, this may seem alarming.  Here is a notable, world leader condemming what is undoubtably a risky plan.  One might feel alarmed that perhaps those wiley Euopeans with their almighty “Euro” may know what they are talkning about.

That is, unless you look a little closer…

Mr Topolanek, whose government collapsed last night in a Czech parliament vote of no-confidence, said the United States was not taking “the right path”.

Hmm… here you go Mr. Topo-Living-in-a-Glass-House-lanek:

The Smoking Gun has a report about Marie Douglas-David who is claiming to have $53,826 per week in expenses as part of her divorce filing.  Sure, that’s a lot of money, translating into almost $3 million per year.  But what shocked me was in the break down she claimed a cell phone bill of $481 per week.

Not per month… $481 per week.

Ok, seriously now… who the Hell pays that much for their cell phone?  How is that even possible?

I could call Obama’s grandmother at that mudfarm village in Africa and then just leave the phone connected all month and still have a lower cell phone bill.

Some other interesting costs of living for Marie:

• $8,000 per week in travel
• $1,500 per week in “entertainment/restaurants”
• And this one is just too lovely to fully contemplate… $1,000 per week in skin and hair care.
• Not that skin and hair are everything… it also evidently costs Marie $4,500 to clothe herself each week.
• Mind you, that clothing bill does not include keeping her clothes clean.  THAT is an additional $650 per week for dry cleaning.

Times are hard, my friends.  Clearly this poor girl deserves more than the pitance to which she’s been relagated.  After all, she does note in her financial affidavit, “while recognizing that many of the expenses may seem high, most are lower than prior to the commencement of this case in August 2007.”

Well, that makes it all ok, doesn’t it?

Those of you who know me, know I utter this phrase somewhat regularly.  Most often when I am driving in the car, maneuvering through the throngs of inhumanity.  Today, I’m not sure if the person I hate more is the audacious ariline passenger or myself.

I spent probably 20 to 30 visits to Northwest’s web site, adeptly maneuvering my seating assignment for the lengthy trip I had to fly.  Starting with a middle seat at the back of the airplane, I worked my up through successive visits closer to the front, then a window seat, finally arriving at me destination… a precious aisle seat just behind the exit row.

All was good, until I walked up to my seat to find this stranger sitting in my seat, looking up at me… expectantly… hopefully.  He and his ugly wife, girlfriend, or whatever seated next him, stumbled over each other to talk at once.  I don’t know exactly what came out of their stupid mouths, but it amounted to asking me to switch seats with him, so they could sit together.

Here is where I hate myself… caught off guard, wanting to be friendly, I agreed.  I half-knew that I was consigning myself to a middle seat, but it didn’t fully register until my own stupid mouth had already agreed.

What I should have said was, “Are you serious?  You want me to give you my aisle seat for your middle seat?  Really?  Next to the 400 lbs woman right there who is spilling over the arm rest and who will force me to sit with arm at a 45 degree angle across my body for the next 4 hours?  Just so you two can sit together?  You really can’t be separated by the 8 feet distance that exists between her seat and your own assigned seat?”

Yeah, that would’ve been grand.

I hate people.

BIRTH CONTROL IS SINFUL IN THE CHRISTIAN MARRIAGES and also ROBBING GOD OF PRIESTHOOD CHILDREN!!

For the low low price of $135, you too can be the proud owner of… well, let’s just see what this humble servant of God has to say about her handiwork:

THIS IS A HOLYSPIRIT MANUSCRIPT BOOK: WHEN YOU BUY THIS BOOK YOU WILL BE READING A HOLYSPIRIT DIRECTED BOOK FROM GOD; & *CHRIST JESUS. THIS BOOK IS GODS HOLYSPIRIT VOICE: THE CALL FOR ALL CHRISTIANS & CHURCHES TO REPENT FROM ALL THEIR SINS: EVEN FROM FALSE CHRIST TEACHINGS. BIRTH CONTROL SINS HAVE CURSE THE CHURCH WITH SPIRITUAL WHOREDOM & FALSE WORSHIP. RESULTING IN THE PERSECUTIONS: AGAINST THE HOLY PEOPLE…

There is more, but there are only so many capital letters I can subject you to as a reader.

The best thing about this listing on Amazon is clearly the reviews.  For example:

THIS BOOK HAS GIVEN ME A NEW LEASE ON LIFE: I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD USE > PUNCTUATION > IN THIS WAY BEFORE: BUT NOW THE HOLYSPIRIT HAS GIVEN ME THE ABILITY TO> CHALLENGE SOCIAL PUNCTUATIONAL NORMS!! PRAISE JESUS!!

– Michael Tyznik

and

THE WHOLE BOOK IS IN CAPS SO THAT YOU KNOW THIS IS SERIOUS BIZNESS!! CAPS!! DEAR LORD JESUS CAPS!!!!

– S. Lodise “Word.”

This book should be picked up by Trojan as their posterchild for why you really DO want to prevent some pregnancies.